Scrapbooking

Feeling quite lost

It has been quite some time since I have said anything about my bipolar. I try to downplay my moods in hope that if I say I’m feeling well enough times, it might come true. This idea has been instilled in me from a very early age. A lot of it holds extremely true but I have a tendency to do the same with people close to me as well. I will never stop being polite when someone asks how my day is, because in all truth, that person doesn’t really want to hear anything other than fine. I know that is how I feel when I ask some cashier in a store or someone I’ve only met once or twice.
Downplaying my moods and symptoms has backfired several times though unfortunately. It has caused trouble with my doctors since I am not giving an accurate description of what I am truly going through. Any therapy sessions that I have had in the past weren’t beneficial because I was trying to “put my best face on” as the saying goes instead of working towards getting the most out of the sessions. Save my husband, my entire family has no true concept of the emotions I go through and the struggles I face.
My family not understanding has been one of the biggest struggles since I was diagnosed in June of last year. My father has no concept of mental illness and therefore treats me like I have chosen to be this broken. My mother understands that there is something wrong but after that, she has no desire to care. My brother doesn’t understand and just wants me to be better, not understanding how much goes into getting me on the right path. The only person who understands is my husband, God bless him. I rely on him so much and my progress has only occurred because of my desire to better things for our family.

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